As an experienced Mistress-wife running my own website for nearly a decade, I have encountered many sub males asking me how they can persuade their wife or long-term girlfriend to try real female domination. These requests to me for help usually follow a sub male‘s dismal failed attempt.
So I spoke to many Domme friends and I also thought about how I was myself was persuaded over 20 years ago and it became clear MOST MALES GET THIS VERY WRONG! So I developed several aids, tested out by a handful of sub males, refined, and then published.
What follows is one of the aids for the scenario of recovering from a failed attempt and trying again. I also produced a small free website that a vanilla woman could delve into that will not scare her away, running for the hills and sobbing pitifully over her choice of spouse!
Recovering from a failed attempt and trying again: An apology from you first
You almost certainly need to start with an apology!
Certainly, you need to start with an apology if you previously did any of these things:
- showed her anything on the internet about Femdom, including this blog,
- applied emotional blackmail or hinted that you will leave her or see a dominatrix unless she becomes dominant,
- bought her any fetish clothing or footwear,
- bought any other Femdom equipment,
- admitted or showed her anything secret you had bought or owned to do with Femdom,
- rushed her if she wanted to think about it all,
- told her your fantasies – you have been fantasizing for years and these fantasies have developed to be quite extreme. She is totally new to this!
- allowed her life to be one big chore-fest while you often go out with your buddies or watch loads of sport on TV.
You may have behaved unacceptably and without empathy in other ways too. However you did so, needs an apology.
Perhaps you did none of the things listed above or anything else you should not have. I know there are women with closed minds, who will refuse to listen. Sometimes this is through lack of general or relationship confidence, but sometimes it is just how they are. If it is the latter, well you picked her and that’s not her fault.
However, if her life is one big chore-fest, you may have at least three months ahead of you to rectify the allocation of chores and to show general empathy, before the ground is fertile enough for an apology to land and germinate.
By allocation of chores, I mean you must be spending more of your time on the household chores than her while being empathetic the rest of the time too. After two or three months of that regime, then an apology might land and germinate.
Empathy
Everything you do must be founded on deep empathy. You MUST put yourself in her head-space. When the time comes to approach her again, you must try to imagine what she is thinking, her mood, how much she knows about the topic, how much she knows about you, how bold or cautious she is, how much she likes things to be the same or if she likes trying new things and likes variety.
But………………….. a lot of people are very low on empathy. If that is you, then in the months before you approach her again on this issue, you must learn to think and behave with empathy AT ALL TIMES. And this is not just about approaching her on the topic, it is about how receptive she will feel from living with you day after day. As a woman, considering the notion of dominance, one is far more likely to be able to imagine it working well if one’s man is an empathetic man. If he is an empathetic man, it gives one a feeling of being treasured and valued which makes the jump to dominance seem much more realistic.
Her objections
She has most likely raised objections to dominating you. These need to be addressed one at a time, once you have apologized. Perhaps straight after. Objections like:
- it all seems like too much work;
- we have kids so it’s not practical;
- you’re so sweet to me all the time so why would I be mean to you?
- what are you trying to prove?
- I can do things for myself. I don’t need you doing things for me;
- I want a man, not a doormat;
- I love you too much to hurt you;
- etc.
I believe the content of my alternative blog deals with each of these and more.
Write her a letter?
You might want to take her to a great restaurant to apologize and make your approach or you might want to write her a letter with an apology and approach. Your communication needs to cover something like the following:
First I want to apologize for my impatient and crass previous attempt to coerce you to look at and read unhelpful material on the internet relating to the nature of submissive males and their potential relationships. I was wrong to do this, I was insensitive and stupid and I apologize. I am asking for another chance, please.
There is a blog written by a wife who is married to a submissive man and she started out with no knowledge of this subject. She has spent over 20 years interviewing hundreds of submissive males and dozens of associated women. She exactly knows the minds of submissive males. She has written a blog for women who discover they are married to a submissive male.
Please would you read, just, the home page of the blog; which I have attached. Perhaps we could talk once you have read it. I know you have reservations and concerns and I fully understand that is just natural. I know I cannot coerce you or put pressure on you in any way. Any concerns you have after reading the blog post, I would really appreciate being able to talk about with you.
All I can do is request you give me another chance. I would like to try to address any of your concerns after you have read the material.
Sincerely,
If that does work, you could then request she reads the blog page, Your Partner is Submissive. But first YOU MUST ask her what her concerns are and be prepared with empathetic solutions for each. You already have this list to prepare answers for, but some of these might fall away when she reads the home page. Concerns I have not thought of, but you know about may also arise.
You can add to that, if necessary, that she cannot fail whatever she might decide to try. You will simply be grateful for her trying, whatever the outcome. Trying is just an experiment. It is not a commitment to change in any way.
One Success story that started with empathy and an apology
Report: 1 This is very helpful and I’d like to thank you for putting it together for all of us who suffer from a lack of empathy and who are too thick-headed to have figured it out.
From my experience so far, Empathy is definitely the key. It appears to have smoothed over all past transgressions. It’s also helped me become what she calls me regularly now, the best husband in the world.
Patience goes hand in hand with it, and must not be ignored.
I think empathy needs to come before the apology. In my humble opinion, you need to learn and understand your transgressions before you can truly apologize for them.
I also think men need to ask themselves if they are truly submissive or just looking for sex games. The path I’m now on could truly go in directions I’m not prepared for, and in all likelihood will go nowhere and I’ve made peace with that. I feel like there is something missing in my life, a hole if you will. I’ve spent months doing things unasked with no reward in expectation of what could come. It is thankless and full of drudgery. It’s freed up her time and she calls me the best husband in the world and that has been what keeps me going. Chores have most definitely been not equal and there have been times I’ve been incredibly frustrated with things, but I tell myself I’m here to serve, and that if things go as hoped, things might only get worse for me.
Report 2 She was kind enough to finally read your alternative blog. She woke me up with a hug to inform me that she read it and that she loved me for who I am. She sounded upbeat and positive but reserved. I explained that I just wanted her to better understand what goes on in my head. She said she’s always known who I was and that’s why she married me and kept me around. I said I’m not looking for anything crazy, I just don’t want her to feel guilty when I do things for her. I just want her to be her. She hugged me again, told me she loved me for who I was, and then she had to leave for an appointment. But she joked before she left that she should probably tell me to go make breakfast “bitch,” but she’ll let me sleep a little longer, chuckled, and then left.
I think that went well? We didn’t talk about specifics in the blog. Should we? My instinct tells me to see what she liked or disliked about what you wrote, however, my instinct is terrible and I don’t trust it. So I am going to do the opposite and just be quiet.
The kids are away tonight so we’ll see I guess.
Report 3 Apparently it went great. We had a great time. She finally allowed herself to indulge a bit and had huge and multiple experiences. She was kind enough to push a few of my submissive buttons too. It was an amazing start. We really connected. I have to say I haven’t felt this calm and at peace in years.
I kept quiet, which took an enormous amount of will power, and she brought it up on her own. She said what really made the difference for her was the apology. The fact that it was heartfelt and I clearly understood her side made it easy for her to try again and it removed the pressure she used to feel.
She said she is committed to moving forward at her pace, now that she better understands my needs. That’s all I ever wanted, so it’s a success. I’m committed to patiently tending this spark and nurturing it into a flame.
Report 4 It is still very much early, but based on what I saw and what she said last night, I can’t see it go anywhere but to a good place. I now know what to do and what not to say. Though she has made a few comments that made chills run down my spine, as you say, that’s what I was made for. 🙂
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your insight and guidance.
Feedback
If your approach works, please give me feedback on why you think it did. If it does not work, please give me feedback on why you think it did not. I truly think the world would be a better place if there were more female-led relationships and feedback may help me be able to help others even more.
My Guide for beginners
I have worked hard producing a low-cost Guide for Beginners. I worked hard on, as best I could, making sure there is nothing in the Guide that would scare or deter a vanilla woman from trying out dominance. I believe there is nothing else like it anywhere.
Do not give her this guide though, if that is what you are thinking, until after she has read my alternative blog and has agreed to try out being dominant. You may not need to give her the guide at all.
Further details HERE.
A good guide to help beginners.
The most important thing is not to create tension in the relationship.