What a dominatrix taught me about dating

Meet through friends – not out on the lash, Mistress Magpie (right) tells Yvette Caster (left) (Picture: Richard Taylor)

When it comes to my love life, you’d be forgiven for thinking I was a masochist.

Single for four years and only attracted to the worst kind of men – bad boys, narcissists and serial cheaters – it was clear I needed to whip my dating strategy into shape.

But all the vanilla advice I’d been given didn’t seem to hit the mark.

So I decided to see what a professional S&M practitioner had to say about bringing romance to heel.

Margaret Corvid, aka Mistress Magpie, is a dominatrix from Plymouth.

She met her husband, Bob Bran, three years ago and they have been married for a year.

Here’s her tips for finding love.

Don’t date – find friends with common interests

‘In the BDSM community we don’t date – we have a friendship group,’ she says.

‘We have these things called munches – a gathering in a pub in plain clothes – and the point is to make friends.

‘The lesson to take away there is not to “date”, but to date from an affinity group. There’s safety there.

‘There’s every chance your friends know them and it’s common to ask someone’s ex what they’re like.’

But take it easy

‘You can’t go into any dating community with a sense of frenzy.

‘You can’t assume because you’re all into the same thing – whether that’s books, running or S&M – you’ll match.

‘Personality, compatibility and background all count.’

Forget your ‘type’

‘Having an interest in common is an icebreaker. It broadens what your type is, or lets you look outside of that.

‘Bob and I met at a fetish party, so we had that in common, but I’m 36 and he’s 66.’

Margaret doesn’t stand for any nonsense (Picture: Richard Taylor)

Know yourself and clearly ask for what you want

‘In BDSM when we’re negotiating a scene, you really have to know yourself, your expectations and your boundaries.

‘In the general dating scene it’s unlikely you’ll have such explicit discussions but it would be great if all people did that.’

Be more tolerant

‘In a BDSM relationship or scene messing up happens. The stakes can be quite high. In the broader dating scene they could use that tolerance.’

Remember your safety

‘If someone in the BDSM community is about to meet someone they’ve met online they’ll organise a safe call.

‘They’ll tell a friend where they’re going and, if they don’t call within 10 minutes their friend needs to call the police.

‘Online dating’s fine but always let a friend know where you’re going.’

Chat men up

‘As a dominatrix one thing I’ve learned is it’s okay to step outside of the gender norms.

‘You do not need to sit there chewing your nails. If you go out there with some confidence, be a good listener and be polite to the bar staff it’s okay to play with gender norms.

‘It’s a great filter – if a man doesn’t like it he’s not worth dating.