Quickies, Tantra & Kink: The different kinds of sex every couple needs
Couples often wonder what kids of sex everyone else is having, and is the sex they are having “enough”? Not only in terms of frequency, but also in terms of the kinds of sex to be having. After all, couples don’t want to miss out, if there’s great sex out there to be had!
In terms of positions, there are many in the world – thousands of books beginning with the tao of sex and the Kama Sutra have been written and no doubt blogs and books about sexual positions will continue to be written. People love to explore their bodies and pathways to pleasure with one another. But sex isn’t only about the position and the frequency. Generally speaking there are categories of sex, all of which keep your sex life spicy, varied and stimulating. Just as you wouldn’t eat the same meal for dinner every night, or even eat only the same dessert, or listen to one song on a loop for years on end, sex needs some variety to keep it interesting – and that means changing it up more than how often you do it or who is on top.
Here sexologist Dr Gabrielle Morrissey lists the the types of sex you should have for a healthy, balanced and spicy sex life.
Fast is not a bad word. It’s just bad if it’s the only word to describe your sex life. Sometimes, practically speaking, and for fun too, a quickie is just the thing to put some zip – or unzip – into your day!
This is when you take longer and indulge in each other. Perhaps you play out a fantasy. Perhaps you start with a bath together and make an evening of it. Or maybe erotic massage is your thing. When you have longer than 30 minutes to spare, think about having long, drawn out sex that indulges your senses and stimulates you both from head to toe and everything in between.
Sex without intercourse can often remind a couple what it was like at the beginning of their dating relationship, if they ever had a time when they weren’t sexually intimate. But sex without intercourse also allows a couple to feel intimate without the pressure of penetration and intercourse, particularly if that has become a pattern. By having some sexual time together that doesn’t involve intercourse, you become the ultimate creative couple in bed.
Testosterone levels tend to be highest in the morning and men, and women too, can feel a strong desire for sex in the morning. But often it isn’t practical – the household is awake, the day feels like it must race on, work deadlines await, morning breath is, well, not the sexiest … but all that aside, sometimes, it’s the best way to start a day and feel loved and connected, rejuvenated and with an extra spark to you. Be open to it!
Each couple needs to define kinky for themselves and kinky can mean different things at different ages and stages of a person’s and couple’s life. Experimentation helps couple to build on their intimacy and grow together … and have fun together! Sex is your intimate recreation time together so try new things and laugh, or try new things and say, “Let’s do that again!”
No orgasm sex
Have sex without the pressure of having an orgasm. It’s okay to say that you don’t climax every time, or that sometimes you just want to be generous to your partner, or be the receiver of some generous, lavish attention. There has been a great deal of pressure to define sex as “meeting the goal of orgasm” and preferably simultaneously that it takes some of the pleasure just purely from touching skin to skin and enjoying each other’s touch for touch’s sake, away. Sometimes, you can have foreplay or intercourse and orgasm doesn’t have to be a goal.
A lot of people are curious about things like tantric sex, which is, like other forms of “sacred sex”, acknowledging the spiritual component of engaging with each other in a naked, intimate vulnerable way. Understanding as a couple that you choose to be this with one another, is not just a physical experience, but a deeply gratifying emotional one, and one all couples, however they do it, with feeling, will benefit from greatly, especially while they are naked. Emphasis is on breathing together, sharing your feelings, preparing a safe and loving, stimulating space for sex together and enjoying who your lover is, and not just how they touch you.[fblike]