I am continuing to write this essay now in the hope that the reader may see this as a kind of brief Synopsis and Autobiography of my Femdom Related History which mainly contains and concerns my early submissive development and onwards up to and over the period of my life until now at my ripe age of 66.
Up until now then, it has been a very checkered history with stops and gaps and interludes of pleasure and pain, as well as fortune and misfortune and it documents general happenings and instances rather than detailed accounts.
You have to remember that when I was young in the ’60s ‘70’s and 80’s anything to do with Femdom was less Taboo and people very rarely even mentioned this form of sex. It was very much a Victorian Attitude Society in those days. I wasn’t even aware that Women liked sex at first and had very little idea that other people apart from the very few had any similar natures to mine.
When I was about 16 or so my testosterone was getting very high and I used to buy Men’s Magazines in order to try and assuage my sexual needs and keep down my rampant desires but the deep-seated ideas of Femdominance were still nagging me and were very deep in my thoughts. I was rather timid in those days, as far as girls were concerned but my surety and confidence in myself were steady. I became distracted from my inner Femdom Pilgrimage by seeking to court girls instead of pursuing Femdominance during my puberty years.
. It was only after visiting London on a trip from the Art College where I was studying when I was a mere virgin of 19, that I first saw the delights of Soho and the ‘Girls Phone Numbers in the Boxes’ so to speak but despite my brief flirtation and ‘encounters’ with sexual things and book shops and took a curious interest in the Ladies Upstairs I was still wandering around in the dark without many forms of Femdom inspiration other than magazines and Fantasy. I did not have much on which to go on with most so made very few attempts after some initial misadventures that are.
I then became more interested to find out about the more hidden and more secret Femdom World out there which I knew existed but couldn’t quite reach.
There was the odd television program that kept me inspired of course.
I would have been more or less directionless had it not been for the kinky boots and mini skirts era.
If not for that I might have given up altogether; But I persisted with this secret admiration and went deep into my own fantasies were in my bed at night, together with the fruits of Sexy Magazine shops; (which I now used to visit very regularly ) I could imagine and at last become myself…
It was then that Television started to show more sexy things like ‘Pans People’ and one or two Femdom characters started to appear. The Avengers with Diana Rigg saw a showing of a program called ‘The Hellfire Club’ and such.
I can recall a very interesting and arousing Sci-Fi series called, ‘Star Maidens’ which featured a planet called Medusa which was ruled by women and the men there were merely servants but really more or fewer slaves. It seemed that their men could be controlled by a form of Mind Control Machine when they subjected them to that when they were on the planet when the men seemed to have any form of rebellious nature in them but out of the range of the Women Pursuers they would regain control of themselves and try to escape.
They did escape the Planet and come to Earth but were more often than not were recaptured and brainwashed.
My very first Femdom Social Event and the first that I ever went to happened in Birmingham at The Imperial Hotel which no longer exists and there I simply enjoyed the event whilst very much a wallflower.
Later on, I found another Venue in Kidderminster which was called simply.
”The Events”. These ‘Events ‘proved to be very satisfactory in many ways and I went to many of them too. I found that there were many a Mistress there who would take delight in taking me in hand, but these interludes were always something of an anti-climax for me because; ( by then I was married), and had to be home by twelve. ( Just like Cinders). It needs to be said that I could never find a regular relationship with a Mistress there, either before this time or after and that was due to a combination of different reasons…
When all event avenues eventually closed and I had nowhere else to go so I decided to become a Video slave for Cruella Magazine. I was also featured in a still in Cruella 5 Magazine.
I still own a copy of the magazine but sadly I never got to see the Video.
To all outward appearances, It may seem that Femdom to me was just a dalliance and simple experimenting but in actual fact, I was simply taking every opportunity to seek True Femdominance in a Genuine relationship that would develop as time went by…Basically, I simply stumbled through life without any real guides and took every available opportunity that presented itself.
A few of my girlfriends had obliged my submissive nature now in the past by indulging me a spanking and in one case a couple of whippings but these were no measure of the mind of a True Femdominant. They were just forms of pleasure-seeking on the parts of myself and the girls themselves I hazard to say. They hardly possessed that mental bond to the core of my being that I was seeking which is the key to opening me up as a True Acolyte in Worship to a Goddess. This is the level I was actually seeking but then you cannot develop these things at once.
In such a relationship there are high protocols and disciplines to learn, together with rituals and forms of address and such. Although some may say this is Fantasy I see it as a very possible reality as most women need and desire and indeed want such levels of adoration and singular devoting to one Mistress.
It was always terribly difficult because people wanting relationships were always so elusive. Never could I find someone who wanted me for me and wanted to take me on a developmental journey into an ever graduated and elevated submission.
What I realize now is that what I have always subliminally been seeking is a real and true relationship along lines where a mind bond is created and one which Truly puts me firmly into my submissive place and keeps me there.
With me these days I feel that it’s not all about having physical sexual satisfaction for myself, but more true to say that its the Love and worship of Women through the Woman’s Control of the man and by the encouragement of his belief that ‘Perhaps ‘ some sexual Nirvana may follow dependent totally on the condition that he obeys Her Implicitly at all times.
It is a very strange thing but I found that I Truly do Worship my Mistress through those Acts of Worship and Obedience, and knowing that a Woman is ‘calling the shots and making me obey through implicit and direct control of my sexual urges is as wonderful me as the pain she may give me alongside it.
It is as though she taps into my primal urges and dominates me on a mental level by means of stimulating my desire but never quite allowing it to overflow or come to the boil.
Later on, I found out about a Club called, “Club Severine”. There were one or two Professional Mistress in attendance there and some as I recall and were very beautiful too.
Sadly I only went to this event twice in total before it closed down.
I can recall an instance at Club Severine, where there was a Beautiful Mistress called ‘Zena’ who saw me and came over to me as I was sitting down with another guy and She took me in hand straight away. ( I do love it when they do that ).
She told me to buy her a drink straight away, which I did, and then she got me to kneel and hold her handbag while she left her friend watching me and making sure I didn’t move. That is what I need in a woman. That is what I need in a Mistress.
It turned out that she was a Burlesque dancer and later on she allowed me to help her tighten up her corset prior to her going on stage.
Afterward, she took me to the shower area where she commanded me to lie down, and directly she urinated all over me, and into my mouth. That was a rather wonderful experience in an area I was not used to but led me to yet another stage in my Femdom adoration quest…
Beyond all this there seemed to be a break of a few years where I no longer became able to go to events like this because they were always at night and wives being wives, they don’t like a man going out too much at night.
Turning to the internet now I decided to become an online slave for a Mistress Called ‘Vi’ who used her dominant persona to cause me to display myself in photographs to adorn her website.
At the time and even now I was also a close friend of a submissive Lesbian and we shared confidences about our love of the Superior Female. Our Friendship remains alive and well.
This Mistress ‘Vi’ herself terminated me when she wisely grasped that I was losing my own self-control and that it could only lead to sorrow. I suppose I was lucky that she was in control and merciful too. This is the risk you take when surrendering to anyone let alone a Dominant Woman.
I still regularly see this close Lesbian friend of mine even now. She was my friend even at the time of doing these online Rituals that she too spotted how addicted I was becoming and warned me to beware…but I couldn’t help myself anyway.
My friend was searching for a Dominant Woman herself,(and she confided to me that she herself was submissive to the same kind of Superior Woman that I was, which more or less matched the kind that I too venerate ) But later when I told her about my online rituals to Mistress Vi she declared that I was getting not just a little but very obsessed indeed.
This online Mistress, who called herself Mistress ‘Vi’ was rather unusual insomuch that she was too far away to visit and was married but she started to give me daily rituals and Mantras to abide by and I must admit I got very quickly addicted and obsessed by them and it made me realize that there are even greater depths of submission than I first realized, and indeed some rather hazardous ones also…because the one you give control of your mind away you do truly become a ‘real slave’.
It is not every male submissive who ‘makes it’s in the respect to serving and worshiping a Mistress in Body and Mind but it has to be said that this kind of thing can be a slave dream if he can cope with the pace and the depth of self-sacrifice and suffering.
Most men can’t do this however and prefer to remain safely in the briefly controlled clutches of a Professional as it’s safer and they are often too afraid to go further..
These brief visits and flirtations to Temporary Mistresses eventually just reveal themselves as vain empty gestures in respect to The True Worship and adoration of the Female as Goddess for they allow the man an escape whilst satisfying his sexual needs somewhat.
I have to say that in most cases these days a man’s physical ‘needs’ are Not met in the sense of many sexual favors but rather they are controlled and the women that use them actually can and do raise the level of a man’s slavery up that way.
This Mistress ‘Vi’ herself terminated me when she wisely grasped that I was actually losing my own self-control, and that it could only lead to sorrow.
My ongoing searches have led me on here to ‘slave- selection’ and I just love this website but have not exactly found anyone myself as yet.
I do have my eye on one particular Lady here on ‘slave- selection’ that I must confess has attracted me greatly but sadly she has shown no interest in me at all so far; So I must humbly resign myself to her decisions and let respect be the First and Highest Priority
Many would-be-slaves are quick to forget The Extremely Important Consideration of Respect and Obedience to their words, as they selfishly strive for a Mistress’ attention. It’s certainly not my way to disrespect a Mistress. It goes against the grain.
It’s always a Mistress’s desire that comes first. I simply hate topping from the bottom.
It is anathema to me.
I would far rather that the Mistress simply ‘take’ me in hand and Press me to obey…After all … That is true Dominance at its best, is it not?.
It came to my mind recently that many a Domina and Mistress always expects a male submissive to make the first advances, and that is fine except; wouldn’t it be right, and just nice once in a while, if a Mistress would simply ‘take’ her slave and compel or seduce him to where she wants him to go; and thereby bridge those gaps of fear hesitation and doubt…
A man becomes a slave unwillingly; at first; and only by seduction becomes more and more willing to surrender.
The submissive mind truly Values a Mistress far more when she ‘asserts’ her rights to rule rather than when he simply gives them up without a struggle.
It’s been a long and hard struggle at times and I must admit that at times I have despaired but then again hope and faith spring eternal. What more can the submissive male do?
Yours Truly. Roger P.
