“Whether its anal on an Ikea bed, fisting on an Ikea sofa, piss play on an Ikea desk chair or a three-way on an Ikea foldaway, Ikea furniture is presented in more than 22,500 porn titles and shorts seen around the world,” said Ikea spokesperson Freja Slösgaard from her office in Stockholm. “Those 22,500 titles represent 640 million individual views. 64% are men ages 20-45 and the rest are similarly aged women. They watch all over the world, with most of the views coming from the U.S., Japan, China, Germany and Saudi Arabia. Where else can you find this kind of free advertising?”

Corporations spend billions of dollars a year getting products placed into major motion pictures. A single product in a blockbuster Hollywood film can cost up to $10 million for just a few seconds of screen time. “We don’t do anything,” said Slösgaard. “People just buy our shit and fuck on it. It’s fantastic. We subtly get our product exposed to over half a billion potential customers in our target demographic without us having to lift a finger. We love it.”

“We tried product placement years ago. That scene in Basic Instinct? With Sharon Stone? Where she shows her artic fox? That was our chair. Did anyone know? Not at all. It was a complete failure.”

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