Free, Informed, Ongoing, and Revocable Consent in BDSM
Consent is the foundation of any BDSM interaction. It is the cornerstone on which every relationship must be built (even outside of BDSM). It allows for a calm approach to the various aspects, asking questions in advance, and avoiding misinterpretations and judgments. You also have the option to formalize this through an oral or written contract to keep a record of the discussions. In practice, an oral agreement may suffice.
Free Consent
Every participant must be able to give their consent without pressure or coercion. Each person must be able to make a decision autonomously. The giver has a crucial role. You often have psychological dominance over your partner. You must give them time alone to reflect without pressure and, if needed, answer their questions. For the receiver, take the time to think and ask yourself if you are truly free in your choices. Don’t be afraid to assert yourself.
If you have doubts or fears, this is often the first sign that something is wrong, and it’s still time to discuss or stop. For givers, do not force yourself to engage in a practice you’re not fully confident in mastering, as this could compromise the safety of the participants.
Informed Consent
Participants must fully understand the activities they are engaging in, including the physical, psychological, and emotional risks of each practice. This requires open and honest communication about each person’s desires and expectations. The giver’s role is to provide as much information as possible to the receiver. Ensure that for each practice, the person understands the ins and outs. Have the receiver repeat how the session will unfold and the risks to ensure there’s no misunderstanding or oversight (ironclad rule). For receivers, ask questions, even if they seem trivial. Ask again if you didn’t fully understand.
For both parties and in general, research the dangers and risks associated with your practices. Don’t hesitate to consult a trusted third party to assist in your process. An external perspective outside your dynamic can help ensure nothing is overlooked and identify potential comprehension issues.
For individuals with mental disabilities, establishing informed consent is even more critical. Understanding your partner’s psychology and needs may not always be straightforward. Depending on the disability, this step can be more or less complex. Before discussing consent, it’s important to assess the person’s capacity to understand the situation. This may involve consulting healthcare professionals or close contacts who know the person well. When explaining activities or implications, use simple language and avoid jargon. Ensure the person understands what you’re saying.
Ongoing Consent
Consent is not a one-time act but a dynamic process. This means participants can withdraw their consent at any time, and boundaries can be redefined during the experience and at each “session.” It’s essential to regularly check on everyone’s well-being. If an additional practice is requested during a “session,” the consent process must start over. There is no such thing as implied consent!
Revocable Consent
Consent can be withdrawn at any time and without justification from either partner. If consent is revoked, it’s not necessarily your fault or your partner’s. You must de-dramatize the situation. It’s better to stop if you no longer have control of the situation than to go too far. A breach of consent can have serious psychological consequences for both parties, particularly for the receiver, such as feelings of betrayal, fear, and anxiety. This can affect self-confidence and the ability to form healthy relationships in the future, causing irreparable damage to the dynamic between partners, making reconciliation difficult or even hindering continued participation in BDSM.
Additionally, some practices can be dangerous, potentially leading to physical injuries if one party is not ready or willing to participate. Violating consent can also have repercussions for the broader BDSM community, creating a climate of mistrust. Breaching consent can have legal and criminal implications, particularly if it is perceived as assault or violence. To prevent this, it’s essential to establish safe words and signals to indicate the need to stop or slow down.
Safe Words and Signals
Using safe words or signals is a common and, I would say, necessary practice in BDSM. Preferably, the words used should have no connection to BDSM, be short, easy to remember, and distinguishable. Avoid complex words that are hard to recall. Keep in mind that when these words are used, you may be in an altered state, making it difficult to remember or pronounce them. Plan different words for slowing down, intensifying, stopping a practice but continuing the session, and, crucially, a word to stop the session entirely.
The same applies to safety signals (used if the mouth is obstructed). The giver’s role is to ensure that these signals or words can be used, and the receiver must confirm they can perform them, even checking beforehand. A double-check is better and ensures that consent remains active.
Respecting Boundaries
Each participant must respect the boundaries established by the others at the start of the session. This includes physical, emotional, and psychological limits. These should have been outlined before the session and are an integral part of consent. Boundaries can be negotiable or strict. Failure to respect them is a violation of consent, should raise an alert for participants, and requires ending the “session.”
Communication in the BDSM World
Open and honest communication is crucial. It prevents misunderstandings that could harm you. Respect and empathy are paramount for effective communication. Stay attentive to your partner’s feelings and needs. This fosters a positive and relaxed environment. Communication must be ongoing, with three main stages:
Before the Session
Discuss each partner’s boundaries, desires, and expectations. The giver and receiver may not have the same expectations, and you’re not there to impose your will. This includes practices to avoid and those desired. Talk about allergies, apprehensions, fears, your vision of BDSM, etc. Take the time to understand your partner and their psychology. Don’t start a session without knowing more about how they function. This should lead to the consent described earlier.
During the Session
Stay attentive to verbal and non-verbal signals. Conduct continuous feedback, which may include discussions about what’s working well and what isn’t. Don’t forget safe words and signals. Encouraging constant feedback helps adjust practices in real time to ensure everyone feels comfortable.
After the Session
After a BDSM session, take time to discuss the experience. The receiver undergoes intense physical, mental, and emotional experiences. The giver isn’t exempt, as their participation can be exhausting. This allows sharing what was enjoyed, what could be improved, and assessing each person’s emotional state. This debriefing builds trust and helps create a better dynamic for future interactions.
It’s also important to reflect on the experience, your successes and failures, and what can be improved. This helps you better understand your needs and those of your partner, encouraging you for future sessions and fostering a more fulfilling relationship. Also, remember to eat and hydrate to regain strength and help your body recover.
Aftercare Following a BDSM Session
Aftercare is primarily practiced after the session and complements what was mentioned earlier. However, it can be practiced at any time during the session, such as during a break or if one partner feels the need. This also helps avoid reaching limits too quickly. It’s a gentle moment between both parties where tension subsides. Hormones (adrenaline, endorphins, etc.) have been highly active and can drop after the session, causing discomfort, sadness, or even depression-related issues.
Aftercare involves caring for your partner to ensure they feel safe, supported, and comforted after the intensity of the experience. This can include simple gestures like cuddling, kind words, or discussing what happened during the session. Aftercare may also involve physical care, such as checking the condition of body areas subjected to stress or intense sensations (impact zones, whips, ropes, etc.).
Applying moisturizing, healing cream, or cold to relieve pain. If injuries are deeper, specific care like bandages or strips may be applied. For more serious cases, seek a doctor’s help—mistakes are human, and injuries can occur unintentionally. Each person has different aftercare needs, so it’s important to communicate in advance about what is desired or necessary.
Safety in BDSM
In addition to the practices mentioned earlier (training, consent, and education), here are some tips to minimize risks.
Risk Assessment
Before engaging in a practice with your partner, take time to identify the risks associated with the activities and take steps to minimize them. Training and workshops should have helped with this. Consider your partner’s physical and mental particularities. This can make a real difference in your relationship approach, building trust and enabling more open communication. Take extra care if the person has a disability (physical or mental).
Appropriate Equipment and Behavior
Use high-quality equipment that meets European standards. Be cautious when buying online. Seek advice on forums or from trusted individuals. If purchasing in a physical sex shop, don’t hesitate to ask the staff. They can provide information and advice on proper product use. Never use toys not designed for BDSM, as they pose inherent risks due to their design. Do not repurpose BDSM items for uses other than intended for the same reasons. Protect your toys with condoms when possible. Clean and disinfect them after each use. Do not share toys with others. Get tested for STIs regularly (every 6 months and with each new partner).
First Aid
Having basic first aid knowledge and a first aid kit on hand can be useful in case of an accident. BDSM activities can involve physical risks, from minor injuries to more serious situations. Knowing how to react quickly can prevent complications and ensure everyone’s safety while minimizing risks. In case of an accident, such as a cut, burn, or allergic reaction, knowing first aid allows you to act quickly and effectively, which can make a significant difference in managing the situation. Knowing you’re prepared to handle emergencies can strengthen trust between partners, creating a safe environment for exploring limits.
