Up until last year, my husband and I led a fairly ho-hum existence in regards to sex and kink. It wasn’t until I accidentally found myself reading an incredibly smutty book that I realized what I was reading wasn’t gross; it was fascintating and I wanted to try everything.

It was a normal Wednesday evening when I brought the book up to my bedroom, where I nervously asked my husband to read a particularly descriptive passage about anal sex and the use of anal beads. Imagine my surprise when he wasn’t disgusted! “So, this is something — we could try? Someday? Maybe?” I said. He laughed and said “Sure! As long as you’re comfortable with it!” By the end of the week, I was the proud owner of a very pretty butt plug, some heavy-duty lube and my husband was in possession of my butt-sex virginity.

Here’s what I’ve figured out about getting your kink on with a lover: Unless you meet on a fetish forum or getreal drunk with each other, your secret desires to be spanked, whacked, choked, and manhandled will probably go unspoken. Imagine turning to your lover right now and saying, “Tonight I would like you to slap my tits until they bruise.”

What would happen? Would someone’s head explode? Would you feel judged? Would your lover even know what tit slapping was? IT’S SUCH A RISK! So how does a happy and healthy sexually active couple go about figuring out the hard and soft limits of their sexuality? If you lead a fairly vanilla life chances are you’re completely unaware to just how much pleasure there is to be had out there. But how do you go about approaching the subject?

Enter porn.

Yes, porn is getting a bad rap lately, and it should — I’ve watched porn destroy many a relationship because it was either kept secret or abused to the point where the lines between reality and porn blur into a muddled mess of pain and confusion for everyone involved.

But I’ve learned that porn, when viewed with my husband, can actually be wonderfully beneficial to both of us. It helps that we’re both open-minded in regards to sex but we still find it easier to find new positions and kinkyideas from porn than trying to describe what we think we’d like.

Here are some of our favorite pornographic pleasures: 

1. Girl-on girl fetishes. Girls are soft, girls are pretty, girls are generally less aggressive than men are, and let’s be honest — girls know what girls like because girls have the same parts as other girls. My husband enjoys watching two girls together because he is guy; I enjoy watching because I have a pretty strong desire to make out with a girl one day.

2. Tit-slapping fetishes. I had heard of it, but never considered it until I watched it and my brain and body made the connection that “Hey, I think I’d like that.” My husband was ecstatic as it was something he had always wanted to try but was too shy to ask about. What is tit-slapping? It’s exactly what it sounds like: basically having your boobsspanked.

3. Girl/guy bondage fetishes. Preferably the guy tying up the girl. I love being submissive to my husband, so seeing other women being submissive to their lovers is a turn-on for both of us. I especially love elaborate rope ties, as it is more of a focused art form rather than just a hasty, easy-to-break-free-from handkerchief to a headboard.

4. Super-oily, naked massage fetishes. If there were one scene I would never opt out of, it would be having big warm hands all over my oiled and naked body. I don’t even care about getting knots out; I just want strong hands all over me. It’s a hard one to recreate in the bedroom because cleaning that amount of oil out of or off of anything would ruin it for me.

5. Sensual, slooooow kissing fetishes. Kissing seems so basic and boring, I mean, most of us have been doing it since we were horny teenagers. But a good kiss, one that goes slow, where you’re breathing in another person? Thoseare the kinds of kisses that get us all hot and bothered. Anyone can slam their body parts together but to kiss like you mean it requires a level of passion and intimacy that can’t be found with just anyone.

Now that you know what we’re into (no judgment!), here are a few helpful suggestions that have worked for us to make watching porn less awkward and more amazing:

1. We mute it. 

I realize guys are audio and visual but I am visual only. Corny dialogue and music only distract me from what is really going on — plus it’s easier for my husband to tell what I’m really into when everything is quiet. I have a bad habit of doing terrible voice-overs if I don’t like what we’re watching. If I’m quiet, it’s usually a good indication that I’m interested in what’s going on.

2. We discuss details.

While watching, our discussions usually involve simple statements like “Please never do that to me” or “I wouldn’t hate it if you tried that on me.” We both laugh at the outlandish positions — what is it with men going down on women who just happen to be doing a headstand? NOPE — and hum in agreement on positions we know we like.

It’s also important to go into more detail if there was something one of us would like to try: When would you want to try it? Where would you want it to happen? What toys or preparation would you need to complete before it could happen? While we’re at it, now is also a good time to discuss your safe words!

3. We pick a genre.

There is A LOT of porn out there, and it is categorized down to the tinest detail. If we don’t both enjoy what we’re watching, we change the video! If one of us really likes a particular scene but the other is slightly horrified? We’ll have a discussion about what it is they like about the scene, then narrow down our searches to even more specific details.

4. We appreciate quality.

We both agree quality is key — there’s no reason for us to watch terribly lit porn and shoddy camera work — which narrows down our choices immensely. Same goes for costuming, who really does the dishes in a tiny skirt, high heels and no underpants? We prefer our porn to be *slightly* realistic.

There is an entire world to explore on the other side of your safe search filter, when explored honestly and with healthy curiosity in mind — it can open up a whole new world to couples who believe their sex lives to be dead in the water.

Even if you don’t end up living out a real life porn scene, you’ll at least have the fodder for a spirited discussion on what each of you is into (which may very well lead to a horizontal display in the bedroom).

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