10 Questions With a Dominatrix, Natalya Dostova
10 Questions With a Dominatrix, Natalya Dostova
A lifestyle and professional Dominatrix.
My name is Natalya Dostova and I am a lifestyle and professional Dominatrix residing in Melbourne Australia. I started my professional apprenticeship in Sydney at the beginning of 1998 and discovered the lifestyle BDSM scene shortly after that. I commenced my lifestyle apprenticeship with a traditional Master and trained with him intensively for more than a year.
With two apprenticeships, I well and truly earnt my title of Mistress! I left Sydney after working with Ms. Electra Amore in Melbourne and falling in love with the city, the scene and the great dungeon she ran! I moved to Melbourne at the beginning of 2000. In my time in the lifestyle BDSM scene, I have run munches, lists, groups, play parties, social parties, a kink/fetish/goth magazine for two and a half years, workshops, and now skillshares. There’s not a lot I haven’t seen or done over the years, but don’t call me a scene elder — it might result in you getting hurt in a bad way!
1. How did you begin as a professional Dominatrix?
In 1997 I was working as a graphic designer by day and erotic masseuse by night. I met a massage client who was intriguing, I ended up dating him and he introduced me to BDSM. Trouble was, he treated me like a submissive which messed me around a lot emotionally. (I learnt from this the truth of the saying “Never date a client”!) Part of my self-guided recovery from that relationship was to learn as much as possible about BDSM. There was limited information on the net at the time, and I didn’t even know where to start looking, let alone that there was a “BDSM lifestyle.” I was determined to learn all about BDSM so I actively pursued a professional apprenticeship, started training and found I loved it. Six months later I entered the lifestyle, but continued working as a professional on and off over the years.
2. Who is your most common customer, in terms of demographics and in what sorts of experiences requested?
There is no such thing as a common customer. You never know who’s going to get in contact. I’ve sessioned all sorts, from high-powered CEOs to people on a disability who’ve saved up for months for the session. I’ve had boys just out of high school and pensioners. You do find after a while that you begin to get “types” of customers: the Elise Suttoners (I want FemDom but the way I think it should be done), the shopping listers (they hand over a ludicrously long list of what they want done in their session, usually in the shortest and cheapest time possible), the scriptwriters (they give you a script to follow, which can make things easy or difficult, depending on whether you deviate from the script), the smart-arses (“Oh, is that the best you can do?”), the manipulators (I’ll be a regular, but you have to do something you wouldn’t normally do, e.g. blow jobs), the sleazebags (Do you ever go out? Can I come with you?), the embarrassed cross-dressers, the unapologetic cross-dressers, the exhibtionists (I like to kidnap these in a van), the ponies, the bondage bunnies. . . There’s just not enough time in the world to describe them but it’s dangerous to assume when you come across a type. Each person is different and can surprise you in good and bad ways. I recognise the “type” but always ask the questions and find out about the individual. Doing ‘standard’ sessions will lose you clients over time.
The most common sessions I’ve done over the last 2-3 years are cross-dressing, anal play, humiliation, role play, kidnapping and genitotorture. A colleague I’d work with regularly who specialised in bondage also used to get booked for tie and tease all the time. I have another who specialises in the weird and wonderful, the sessions other Mistresses won’t do. One of my longest running Domina friends is the latex queen. Yet another specialises in switch sessions, where she and the client would switch roles during the session. Everyone finds her areas of expertise and her niche over time and settles into that. I’m good at humiliation, S&M and doing nasty things to men’s bits; so that’s what I attract as clientele. The cross-dressers are an anomaly. I’m just not into cross-dressing as part of my lifestyle play but I really enjoy doing sessions with them professionally.
3. Ok, tell us — What is the strangest scene you’ve been asked for professionally?
Define strange? It depends on a person’s perspective. I’m not easily shocked and I’ve moved in some very interesting circles, other people’s strange can be my normal. But I’ll give a few examples of “strange.”
Strange as in uncomfortable: at a non-BDSM weekend event, I re-met a lovely couple I’d met a few years before who were friends of friends. The husband sought me out privately and confessed that he was an adult baby but his wife wasn’t comfortable with it and didn’t want to know. It was a bit of a surprise having this conversation. After a nice dinner and ghost tour, my head was not in proDomme mode at all but after his confession, he asked me if I could session him. I didn’t feel it was appropriate to session him as I was too close to the rest of his life and I referred him to a colleague who specialises in AB. He’s now a very happy regular of hers and all’s well that ends well.
Strange as in unusual: last year I had a gentleman who wanted to enact a fantasy he’d had for a long time. He wanted a beautiful buxom woman to give him a chemical enema (dulcolax), then to evacuate her bowels on his genitals while he was wearing an open nappy, close the nappy up nice and tight so he got the full sensation of the bowel movement and be sent home and have the chemical enema kick in on the way home. Now to a lot of people that would seem utterly disgusting and very deviant; to me it was a bunch of fun. I do not find bodily functions repulsive or shameful. The client picked up on that and we had a lovely giggly time together. I mean come on, who gets paid to poo on people? Me, that’s who! I loved my job that day.
4. On your website, http://www.natalyadostova.com/, you also describe yourself as a lifestyle Domme. How do you keep your “lifestyle” side from feeling like work?
It’s always a tricky balancing act, not letting play turn into work. When I started I was super-enthusiastic and would play with anyone who asked, which was the cause of quite a few issues. I learnt the hard way that giving people what they say they want is not always good for them or for me.
I have some hard and fast rules with my lifestyle play that I’ve developed over the years. I only play with friends and/or when I’m in the mood. I very rarely “pre-book” sessions with people, even my friends who are play partners. I might let them know I could be in the mood, but nothing more than that. On occasion I’ll meet someone at an event or club, there is a spark, and I’ll run with that if they’re willing. If it’s not spontaneous, fun and having good energy, I’m not interested. It’s going to sound harsh but I get paid for being a “Domme on call.” I won’t let it bleed into my personal life and ruin my passion for domination and BDSM.
5. Speaking of the lifestyle, you are married to man who is also in the lifestyle as a Top. How do the two of you mesh your BDSM wants and desires?
I must clarify this, my partner Kaluah is not a Dominant per se. He is actually a caramel with a strong, directive personality, like a vanilla but very kink friendly – hence the deeper flavour (apologies to all fans of French vanilla). That said, Kaluah is better than me with a single tail and rope due to his martial arts training (a source of much frustration to me) and is a damn good top when he can be bothered getting involved in a session. Most of the time he’s more interested in pursuing his martial arts and riding his motorcycle very fast around a racetrack. He’s as passionate about that as I am about BDSM and we allow each other to follow our passions.
When we met, Kaluah was very young, very conservative, very monogamous and had no idea about kink, but he thought I was an interesting person. What attracted me to him was his open mindedness and ability to simply accept without always having to understand the why. Underneath the different personalities we found we had similar ethics and views on life which drew us together. We’re a great example of two very different personalities having a very complementary relationship. We make sure we always do the three Cs – compromise, communicate and cuddle! I am blessed to have him in my life.
6. You’re the owner and manager of Adrenachrome skillshares. What is a skillshare?
A skillshare is when people get together to learn new skills and techniques from someone more experience in that area. It’s very similar to a workshop, but more hands-on and without the legal liability issues and presenter needing educational credentials to teach.
7. What is Adrenachrome’s mission and how many people does it involve?
Our mission is to give people the opportunity to learn from more experienced people how to do BDSM play correctly and as safely as possible. The scene has expanded so much there simply aren’t enough experienced people to take on mentoring for the many coming in. So this is a great way to pass on the knowledge in a safe, responsible fashion without burning out the experienced people and giving back to the community that has given me so much.
I set up the skillshare to suit someone like myself – I have a short attention span and I learn by doing. That’s why the skillshares are very practical and two to three hours long. Attendees get an overview and safety then it’s all hands-on training for over an hour. I provide comprehensive notes whenever possible so all the information shared in the skillshare, including the all-important safety and cautions. I think it’s important to have all the information in comprehensive written notes, especially if someone has an attention span like mine!
Before Adrenachrome started, there had been one group that presented workshops called the Dommes Group, back in 2000 that I was involved with; so I had a little experience. There were some amazing international presenters who’d come over to Australia, such as Midori, Satomi, Lukas Zpira and Lee Harrington and I’d attended as many of their classes as I could over the years. There were little private get-togethers for tuition but nothing formalised.
In January 2009, two close friends wanted to learn CBT, they knew it was one of my specialities and asked me to teach them. I advertised a skillshare and for demo bottoms and it was on! A fantastic day was had by all and it was the birth of Adrenachrome skillshares. Once word got out, people started to approach me. MsAsha and Mistress Tara from Fetish House professional dungeon offered their premises as a venue. Presenters such as SurJack, Bella447, TransBear, MasterNevill and many more came forward offering to share their knowledge, and the skillshares took off. I’m privileged to have worked with some of the most talented and experienced people in Australia. Adrenachrome is run by me, with some help from my good friend Belladonnax. If you add in my fabulous presenters, it wouldn’t come to more than 30 people over the two and half years we’ve been running. The Adrenachrome skillshares have been very popular and appear to have inspired others in our local scene to do all kinds of workshops, skillshares and educational events, which is wonderful to see.
8. What is your favorite skillshare either to teach or attend and why?
That’s a trick question! Every single skillshare I’m involved with, whether presenting or not, teaches me something new and interesting. I can say I enjoy workshops and skillshares organised and taught by other people because I don’t have to do the work of organising. I just turn up and learn. Love that.
9. One of your more descriptive fetishes on your Fetlife profile reads that you are into everything to do with “not giving a shit about the local scene and living my fetish life the way I damn well please.” How does your fetish life compare with the local scene?
This is what happens when a person’s been around for more than a few years. Onesgoes through the phases – nervous newbie, enthusiastic newcomer, passionately involved, burnt out and over it. Repeat the last two a few times and call it “life experience.” Then get some balance and that’s where I am in my journey.
The BDSM scene has a bunch of very disparate people who often have nothing more in common that being kinky. I’ve found, despite my best intentions, that I’m simply not going to be friends with everyone. I seek out people that I resonate with and enjoy their company. I make sure I maintain my friendships with a range of people and do a range of interesting activities, not just kinksters and BDSM clubs. I don’t go out every weekend and do everything like the enthusiasts. I go out in the scene when I have the energy and interest. It’s all about me these days!
10. After being in the lifestyle thirteen years, what changes or trends do you see in the scene?
I can only speak from personal experience of my own local community. In 1999 when I first worked as a proDomme in Melbourne there was one regular munch, one regular play party and one regular club – all on the same weekend. Everyone who was interested would go and they all had to get along because of this. I was very impressed with the civility and enthusiasm of the people, as well as the culture and energy of Melbourne city itself — so much so that I moved in 2000. Eleven years on we have a club event every single weekend (Provocation, Kinky, Snake Pit, Chains) all offering a different vibe and style, a separate dedicated venue for kink/alternative clubbing (Abode), a regular festival (OzKinkFest), a dedicated rope dojo (Melbourne Rope Dojo), amazing one-off events from time to time, a plethora of munch groups, special interest groups and, of course, skillshares and workshops. We’re only a small city compared to some in Canada and the U.S. but we are very spoilt for choice!